Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
