dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
