I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
