we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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