she woke up with a sticky ear
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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