i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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