the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
