if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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