stop calling my apartment porn island.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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