she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
