If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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