I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
