There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
