the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
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