perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
