We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize