omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize