I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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