Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You dont lie about slip and slides
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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