Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
