God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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