my phone needs a breathalizer
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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