I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
