I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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