honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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