And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
