Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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