Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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