I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
