i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
