If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
