Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
