Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize