So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
