In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
