You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
