even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize