i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
