how can u be prego again
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
