I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
