at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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