Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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