Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
