a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
