I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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