I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
