and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
