his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
