is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
