Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
