I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
