Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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