You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
two words...techno handjob
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
