vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
