I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
