just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
